Science, Commerce, Arts. — commerce.
Fashion. Mass media. Interiors. — Umm, mass media.
Remember when choices were easy to make? Halfway through my bachelor’s degree, it’s not that simple anymore. I feel the need to know specifically what I plan to do once I’m out of here, and zeroing in on that – no mean feat.
In an outburst of confusion, I wrote to my sister:
“I want to be a ballet dancer. And a social activist to fight illiteracy and poverty. And a rockstar on a stage with an audience of thousands of people. And I want to host a travel & luxury show on TV. I want to make movies – documentaries and small budgets and big budgets – meaningful and typical – all of it. And be a travel blogger with a difference – travel widely and focus not on describing the place and the architecture and the food, but on the personal interactions and experiences and conversations and feelings and things like that. I want to write the speeches awesome people make. I want to be awesome and write my own speeches. I want to meet many, many, many people, I want to go to lots of parties and things, and even lots of other random places and events. I want to be a fashion stylist. I want to be a brand name. I want to add value, and really uplift lives, beyond superficiality. I want to own too many dresses and an obscene number of beautiful shoes. What am I. Why can’t I be normal and sorted. Duuuuude.”
I dared not write I want to be an actor, or a model or anything “deviant” like that, because uh-oh, that’s blasphemy.
If it were all up to me, the tentative plan would be to model for a bit – quick money for short-term assignments, meeting new people, the little perks of fashion and glamour. Then I’d be an actor perhaps, mainly because it involves playing many roles, vicariously living many lives, thus multiplying the amount of experiences one may have in a lifetime, and I believe that life is made richer by few things as it is enriched by the wideness of experiences. I’d want to host a travel show or something. But uh-oh, apparently girls from “good” families don’t do things like that. However, the plan would probably be to have one totally exciting career, and always, on the side also work for the provision of basic needs such as literacy, adequate food, proper hygiene, et cetera.
Everyone encourages me to become a writer. They see it as a passive job that can be done from home. Ha, ha. Lovely little misconception there, because I don’t know how other writers function, but speaking for myself, I need to experience, soak in, soak in, soak in, then pass it all through filters of my thoughts and perceptions, and my words, to reproduce it in a literary format. That experience gaining process requires that I travel widely, meet too many people of all kinds and know them deeply, and such gypsy-ish behaviour – uh-oh, not acceptable.
Down to the basics, I want to chalk out a life-path that involves lots of creativity, interactions with many, many people, a lot of travel, and a great deal of newness in everyday experiences. How the hell am I supposed to do that and keep them happy as well? No, really.
Well said, sir, but could you please explain the same to my family? Follow your heart, but then I’ll go ahead and be something they don’t want me to be, and everyone’s going to say I broke their hearts and let them down, and come on, I’m no block-of-rock, I would feel bad if I hurt them. WHAT am I supposed to do? Like, it’s weird that they’ll get hurt because I’m choosing a certain career… it’s like, you’re wearing red pajamas, I’m hurt; you like hamburgers, I’m hurt. My career is just another personal choice, and it should hurt nobody. (Unless I’m a sharp-shooter or something… Then it better kill a few. LOL.)
I’m this person with a purpose, and a point to make, and the will to serve and make a difference, but I’m no Queen of Jordan. Fine, I’ll take that.
But also, inside me, I am this living-life-like-a-free-bird, meeting-new-people, and inspiring-them-to-live-a-full-life kinda bike-riding, globe-trotting coolio chick, who’ll find her match and have a chilled out happy wedding party, but… And this is the “but” I have issues with.
Anyway, since I cannot rely on Steve Jobs to come back and explain any of this to them, I’m trying to work with what I have. That’s half the battle lost anyway, but nevertheless one must look ahead.
So I have all these options… PR, advertising, journalism, and their various branches, and so on and so forth. All things that I might be kind of, sort of, somewhat interested in, but I can’t seem to be able to pick. It’s like, there’s a buffet and your favourite dish isn’t on it, so you’ll just eat anything, and you can’t decide which one you want, because they’re all the same now.
And what annoys me the most is that we see all these great people and appreciate them, but we don’t want to be them. You watch them on TV, you read about them, you quote them, but you don’t aim to be there. WHY? It’s okay if people are not ambitious and choose to live a common life – respect, but hullo, I am ambitious. Why can where I get not depend only on my ability and my, let’s-face-it, luck. But dude, I couldn’t be great cuz my family’s conservative? That, now, is no excuse. Wow, imagine if Steve Jobs was a Gujju boy and his pappa forced him to join the family business. Apple would still be just a fruit. LOL.
Fine, be great, but don’t do anything different, don’t go off the beaten track. How the hell (damn, I hate toning down my expression… loses the effect I’m looking for)… How the hell am I supposed to be great by sitting at home if my skills are such that they can be best exploited out there in the playground? I mean, for sure, people can stay at home and develop software or create brilliant art work and things like that, but those are not the skills I posses. It’s a different set which works best in a different setting.
If no middle path works out, and I end up complying with their every wish, I’ll probably study further once I’m done with my graduation. After that I will be allowed to take up a 9 to 5 job while a suitable match is searched for. If they allow me to study / work further, I may. Or helping in their family business is a good choice. LOL. Okay, I exaggerated the scene a little for effect, but something on those lines… you get the picture. I hate how there won’t be success, and I hate how there won’t even be a dramatic reason for the lack of it. Call me crazy, but I’d rather fail like a hero than remain mediocre.
And you know how people narrate those rags to riches stories and seek inspiration there? The loophole is this: when you have nothing to lose, it’s easier to take your chances. If I didn’t have a family’s “name” to keep, and didn’t have people’s exceptionally tender hearts to keep unbroken, and didn’t have to ensure that certain people don’t get pissed off with me, I would’ve had the weight of only my personal morals and perhaps traveled my way to success with way more ease than I can now.
Now, left to myself, I may or may not become very great. I might try and fail. My interests may change, priorities may change. However, despite all those ifs and buts, I do trust that I’ll figure out a way of life that suits me and keeps me happy, without hurting anyone, (unless of course they choose to get hurt cuz I’m wearing red pajamas).
And honestly, isn’t that success? Just being happy with what you do everyday? To me that is all that matters. But who will explain this to them? No conclusion arrived at, at the end of this post, but that’s the point. I do not know what the solution is. Bhakk, now I’m even more pissed than I was when I started to write. But bye. LOL.
P.S. – I doubt they’d still want me to be a writer. I write rebellion, bro. Like that Osho guy. B)